my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
