you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
she smelled like a LAN party
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
