This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Randomize
