No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Pants are for mortals
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
