"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
