Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
