I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
