GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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