I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
