He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
