This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
