Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
