Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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