Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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