Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
