Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Acid is not a monday night drug
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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