Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
