If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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