I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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