i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
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