he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
