My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
