overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
