I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Randomize
