i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
