I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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