I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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