I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
