I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
