I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Randomize
