no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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