I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
zippers are such a cool invention
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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