the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
there is glitter all over my balls
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
