Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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