Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
