wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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