I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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