Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
