Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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