I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
