His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
