just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
this will be a night to untag.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Randomize
