hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
