woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
