Even water is tasting like jack daniels
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
