Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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