i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I seem to have left my pride at pride
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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