oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
