I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
