I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
