You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Let's get the cat blown out
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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